I woke up still feeling like shit when my back was aching, my head was pounding, and my feet were still numb and swollen from walking in high heels yesterday.
I just blinked a few times, lying entirely still, feeling rising nausea when the image of Kayla being a bitch and acting crazy came back, and I just made a scowl. I was going to fucking call her and asked what the hell she was doing when I made a small whimper from moving.
My head still pounded like a jackhammer, and I slowly sat up on the awful sofa and just whined a couple of times. What the hell happened last night? I remembered that I was outside and that I was cold….the imagery rushed over my mangled brain, and my heart stopped when I remembered the last part about the night.
Jonah helped me, and he held me when we were in the elevator, and that was the best moment in my life so far, feeling him against me…..the nausea was hitting me hard when I got up and stumbled the last step to the small bathroom and threw up everything I had in my stomach, it tasted like shit, sour from the wine and my throat was burning, all of me was when I just leaned against the lid and started to cry again, he had rejected me. He smiled at me when I smelled him, and then when I wanted to come inside his place, he just switched off again. I didn’t understand anything. Sometimes, he looked at me like he wanted me, and then the next second, he just was as cold and hard again.
I didn’t know what I had done wrong to deserve that kind of treatment from him. He clearly fucked other girls, so why not me? I looked good yesterday, even though I was drunk when I met him.
I was still crying when I threw up two times more before crawling my way into the shower after tearing Kayla’s dress off me. I didn’t give a shit if it was torn. She fucking owed me after yesterday when she acted like a bitch.
I just sat there in the shower, I don’t know for how long; it was nice feeling heat again when I decided to finally get up and dried myself off quickly and my hair only with the towel, making a loose braid before getting some jeans and sweater on. Kayla was right about that part; this was the real me, torn and worn clothes when I took my purse and sunglasses, putting them on, not wanting to show the world just how fucking much I had been crying when I closed the door and walked to the stairs, I was never riding a fucking elevator ever in my life, no way in hell!
Luckily it was sunny outside, making it warmer. I just squinted my eyes, still hungover, walking to the hamburger place around the corner, I was starved after throwing up, and I didn’t care that I was spending my last money on junk food, it was my life and I was alone, so it didn’t matter in the end, did it?
I walked inside, and the place was packed when I walked up to the line and stood there, trying not to cave into the heat that made me nauseous again when I looked around bored. My calm face was distorted in two seconds when I saw them, what the hell, I was the unluckiest girl ever when I saw Jonah and his friends, oh and they had girls with them. He was feeding one of the girl fries laughing with his arm around her making me go even more nauseous.
I just stared. I know that I shouldn’t; the line was moving, but it was like looking at a car crash, it was ugly and awful, but you just had to look. That’s what this felt like for me standing here all alone, spending my last money on a meal and seeing a guy that I liked and had rejected me having a good time with another girl. I just felt betrayed.
Someone in the line shouted at me, making the whole group turn their head and stare at me when I just was biting my lips, still having my sunglasses on me, and turned around fast before I could see Jonah’s eyes. I just didn’t have the strength to take more hate and coldness right now. I just wanted my food and left. I was going to eat here, but that was never going to happen when I came up to the counter. Of course, I was short of cash for what I wanted when I just pushed over what I had and got a burger and a shake, it was something at least.
I just took my bag and left, I fought every instinct inside me to look his way. I bet I looked snotty when I still had my glasses on the inside, like I thought I was something when I felt every eye of his group staring at me when I walked past, didn’t say hello or anything, what the fuck was I supposed to say to them, to him? I’m sorry you had to help me at home. I’m sorry that you smell so good that I want to drown in it.
No.
Just no.
I got out and sat down on a bench, took up my phone, scrolled my father’s name,, and pressed on it. I hated to beg for money, but I needed it. I wanted to pay Jonah back after getting a confirmation mail back on how much I owed him for last night. I wanted to be done with him, and he was never allowed to help me again.
“Andrea, hello, we were just talking about you, sweetheart!” I just made a face, so in other words, they were discussing what a failure I was as their daughter with my aunt, great.
“That’s great, dad; give Aunt Diane my best, and I need some help with money before I get my paycheck….” I didn’t want to drag it out. I just ripped the bandage off, needed help, and didn’t have anyone else to ask. I sure wasn’t going to ask Kayla after last night when she had gone fucking bonkers on me.
He sighed like he was just waiting for me to call, and I swallowed the anger that had started to come up from just hearing that. I hadn’t asked them for anything since I became an adult, not even when Ryan dumped me and left me penniless I didn’t beg them, but now I really needed fucking help. They were acting like it was my fault I was in this position.
“You should call Ryan about this, Andy.” I sighed, so he the speaker on, just what I needed, mom being part of the conversation.
“I can’t, mom. He dumped me when he told me by a text that he wanted a divorce and that he was happy with the girl he had been cheating on me with.” She just became quiet when I drank from the shake, there was something she didn’t want to tell me, and I could hear dad sigh again like he just wanted everything to magically fix itself; it wouldn’t, believe me, I wished for that too.
“We have talked to him, Andrea, and he does seem happy…. And she seems like a nice girl… they are getting married this summer….” I started to choke on the straw and milkshake still in my mouth when mom sounded sad and guilty simultaneously. They had been fucking talking to Ryan. What the fuck was up with that!?
“He is getting fucking married. We just got divorced six months ago!?” I was shrieking when I threw the milkshake that I hadn’t finished right into the trashcan next to me. I regretted it the second I realized what I had done and made a loud complaining noise staring at it. I hated my life so much.
“Yes... I know it soon, but … Andrea, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but he invited your mother and me, and we are going to his wedding….” I started to pant from what he was telling me. Was he really serious right now? Taking another deep breath before continuing.
“Ryan is still like a son to us. I mean, he has been a part of our family for so long. We just can’t turn our backs on him, even if things are not idyllic.” I didn’t answer… I just stared at the ground, like a son…. What the hell was I, the trash they couldn’t get rid of fast enough?!
“But I’m your daughter, and he cheated on me… I gave him everything….” I just stopped when they didn’t answer, not one of them said a word, and I just hung up on them, holding my phone in my hands, still confused over what just happened.
My parents were going to be at my ex-husband's wedding with the girl he cheated on me with. Well, guess life couldn’t get any shittier than this.
My heart was dead. I was sure of it. I really was alone in the whole world.
I got up and started to walk. I didn’t know where I was going but did it matter, I was broke, and my own parents had chosen Ryan’s side in this. Kayla still didn’t answer my calls, and Jonah…. I didn’t even want to go there right now….
I started to walk home, and I laughed when I saw the bag in front of my door. I just knew that it was him, don’t ask me how I knew it. I just did since the smell of fast food filled up our entire floor.
I just stared at it, arms crossed; a week ago, he told me not to call the cops on him, and now he was giving me food because he fucking pitied me. I didn’t know what I hated the most, that he pitied me or that I couldn’t afford to throw it right in his face; if he thought that this made anything better between us, then he was dead wrong.
I walked over slowly and picked it up, looking at his door and just unlocked mine walking inside and putting it on the counter in the kitchen.
Well, that was it then, I was officially out of money for the next week, and all I had was this bag of pity and half a bottle of ketchup that I guess would have to be my breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my next week.
I picked up one of the boxes and started to unpack it. I guess it was time to accept that this would be my home for the rest of my life; since Ryan was going to have a new wife and an expansive wedding, he sure as hell wasn’t coming back to help me pay back any debt that weasel!
I smacked the next box down and started to pick up my stuff. I only had four boxes. That is what was left of my life from when I was Ryan’s wife, eight years and four boxes; it funny how things just turned to shit in a blink of an eye. I sure as hell was laughing at my own misery when I was done and started to deconstruct the boxes and put them away in the small storage or cleaning closet.
I got back to the kitchen and saw the box, my wedding rings, and I just sat down and stared at it. I had worn those rings for so long that I had woken up the first months and panicking that I had lost them, still did sometimes if I was being honest when I opened the box and stared at the golden bands, the first one was a diamond on, a smaller one, that one I got when I was twenty-one, I was just the same age the girls leaving Jonah’s room was, and I was fucking engaged.
I switched my eyes to the bag and sighed. I just as well could eat when I opened the bag and saw another shake, a bigger one, and the same burger I wanted but couldn't buy at the restaurant.
I slapped my hand over my mouth and blinked at it when my tears fellfell down on the brown paper bag. Why was he doing this to me? Why did he pay so much fucking attention when he didn’t want me? Was he really just going to be my friend or neighbor?
No! this shit just couldn’t keep on. I need some fucking answers from him. I deserved them after what had happened this week. No matter how strange and awkward it would be, I just wanted him to tell me yes or no. did he like me back, or was this just some game to drive me even more insane than I already was?!
I took the bag and started to march out into the hallway. I banged on his door hard, fuck it felt good to do this, that I was the one that was knocking on his door when I heard the cursing behind me and when he opened the door I just pushed past him, didn’t even give him a chance to stop me. I walked over to the kitchen still holding the bag when he came after me and just frowned over the fact that I was here, in his apartment, well tough luck for him, this was getting ridiculous.
“Why did you buy this for me?!” I was staring up at his stern face showing the slightest glimmer of shock that I had figured out, making me even madder. Did he think that I was stupid just because I was poor, or what?!
“Andrea, please…. This is not a good fucking time, alright?!” he was gritting his teeth, and I just smirked; it never was with him, he was so invested in helping me, but he didn’t want me in here or even a part of his life, even if all of his friends seemed to know about me, whatever the hell I was to him.
“Then make it the right time. I just want to know what the hell you are doing, I can’t keep taking this off, and on switch you have! I am a real person Jonah, not some fucking puppy for you to help when you feel like it and then just walk away. You got that!?” I was shouting the last part when he seemed shocked again over the power behind my voice, like I couldn’t get mad at him or anyone. He didn’t know me. I was fucking fierce when I wanted to be!
“What the hell do you mean by that? I have been treating you well! For fuck’s sake! I have been treating you better than most girls ever get from me, and what the fuck more do you want from me!? I’m not your boyfriend, Andrea, so stop acting like some jealous girlfriend when you see me with someone else!” I dropped the bag on the counter from his accusing dark voice and the hard eyes that had no mercy in them. He really was a cold-hearted bastard. In the end, oh my fucking god, I had been so stupid. He really didn’t care. He just wanted us to be… neighbors…
“Then stop fucking acting like you are, paying for me to get home, helping me when someone is mean to me, buying me my favorite hamburger, and just looking at me like you want me to and then just rejecting me. What the fuck is that all about, Jonah!?” I opened the bag showing him the wrapper on the burger like it was proving my point.
He just stared at it and crossed his arms, looking stern when I started to see that he was half naked, only had on shorts, and I couldn’t help but look down over his body, fuck he did look so good, just the right amount of muscle making his body more define and he had a nice six-pack, so he worked out… of course he did…. I snapped my eyes again up back at his when he saw that I was admiring him, and I started to blush. Shit, I hated that I was so easy to read that I couldn’t disguise my feelings like he was. I wish I had that trick to use too.
“Are you done, or do I need to wait for more for you to check me out?” he sounded bored suddenly. I made a sound, feeling hurt, and touched my chest, oh I really hated the fact that I was so see-through for him, for anyone….
“Yeah... yeah..., I’m done….” I just mumbled that when he sighed, and I saw the girl in the background, and I felt my heart dying on me even more; it was the same girl he had been feeding fries. She was cute and young like him. I got it; from here on after, we were going to be just neighbors, nothing more, nothing less.
I started to walk back to the door on my own. He followed slowly like he didn’t know what to say when I just turned around and didn’t care that I was already crying, he would hear me anyway through the wall when he looked even stiffer. His jaw kept clenching from seeing my face, and he was just about to close the door on me when I stopped him with my hand.
“Just… no more help… okay Jonah… just… let me live in my own fucking misery….” He looked like he wanted to say something, his dark hair falling over his eyes the slightest. I swallowed, hanging on to what was coming out from his mouth when he just gave me a small, sad smile and nodded, and then, he closed the door on my face.
I just walked back to my own door and stepped inside. The sound of laughter echoing through the wall was stabbing me hard in my heart when I walked over to the couch and dragged the blanket over my face; at least now, I knew what he was feeling. No more play pretend that the hot young guy wanted me.
Fantasy destroyed.
Just my own crappy life to fall back on, and tomorrow, I needed to get back to work and see James' awful eyes always following me; that would be so much fun….
I just closed my eyes. One fucking problem at a time, I guess. I still needed to deal with my parents being invited to my ex-husband's wedding even if he had put me in debt…. I was going to work as I had never done before. James was going to put me up for every fucking shift as possible, and then, when I was free, I was leaving this place and Jonah right away.