After a quick change of my clothes, Mother and I left the house, heading toward Mrs. Harmony’s office. She was a middle-aged woman dealing with teenagers and their traumas. Whilst I didn’t have any past trauma, I currently was going through a difficult time with all the dreams and the nightmares.
Mrs. Harmony’s office was small but cozy. There was a fireplace where I often sat again and warmed my hands while speaking to her.
Just as my mother dropped me, she drove away and reminded me when she was going to return to pick me up—in just an hour.
“How are you feeling today, Miranda?” Mrs. Harmony asked as she rolled her leg over one and another and placed a notebook on her lap. A pen was between her fingers but she wasn’t going to write until later into the session.
“Not really good.”
“Why do you say that? Have you been seeing the dreams again?” She asked in a stiff yet a calm tone. It was professional enough.
At first, in the beginning of these sessions, I barely could utter anything as I was too uncertain about what Mrs. Harmony would think about me. After a while, I eased up to her and began spilling the truth, the only trouble in my life.
“Nightmares.” I corrected her. There were nowhere near dreams or something I had wished to see every night. Barely I had been able to see anything else apart from those nightmares and that certain stranger’s voice. It was somehow alluring yet haunting at the same time and I just wanted to figure out where it was coming from.
“Yes, nightmares. Have you gotten any of those recently?” She began with her endless questions.
“I did. Just earlier in the morning, before school.” I replied to her while my gaze was set over the wood burning in the fireplace. I watched the flames curl and the warmth rise.
“Was it the same voice as you had mentioned before or was it different this time?” Mrs. Harmony asked.
I glanced over my shoulders, looking at her face for a slight moment. My thoughts ran wild. The voice, the man’s voice, had created a hole in my head. It was one of the sounds that I knew very well.
“It was the same.” I whispered to her, a little fear behind my own voice. I never imagined myself living in fear and realisation just had struck me. I had been living in fear for a long while now.
“Why does he say to you now?”
“That I’m teasing him and I should just tell him where I am already…” I trailed off while remembering the exact words that had reached to me while I was in the washroom earlier. “I don’t know what that means, Mrs. Harmony but it terrifies me. What if there is someone looking for me? What if someone wants to find me? What if it’s worse than I think it is?” I paused and took in a gulp of breath while recollecting my thoughts.
Could it be possible that I would be danger?
“Oh, now, Miranda, those are just your thoughts. We have already spoken about this and thoughts are quite different to reality. You cannot be afraid of something that isn’t there.” She spoke to me in a calm voice.
I rolled my eyes and turned my attention back to the fireplace. Only if she could actually understand me. It wasn’t common that a lot of people went through the same thing as I did.
I had done my research of the illness I had. Some said that it could be that I was delusional while some said that I could be entering a phase of hallucinations and differentiating reality with something that doesn’t exist. I knew there wasn’t anything wrong with me. It was a gut feeling that I had that all was right and I just needed time to clear my head.
“Isn’t there some medicine you can prescribe for me to sleep without having any dreams or nightmares?” I asked her.
“I’m afraid that’s not possible, Miranda. You have already been on a sleeping pill for a while and that hasn’t changed.” Mrs. Harmony said, disappointment in her tone as it was in my eyes. “Is it possible that you have heard that voice before in your life? Before the dreams and nightmares had began.” She continued while folding her notebook and closing it.
Usually, she only listened to me and suggested me things I could do to get a better sleep.
“No, I have never heard it before in my life.” I shook my head.
The session continued for another good thirty minutes where Mrs. Harmony continued to question me about my week and what all I had done. She asked me about my sleeping schedule and whether I had been working out this week. Everything was well, at least from the front. Whatever the problem was, it was within me.
The therapist offered me some advice and gave me a couple things to try out this week. She wanted me to go for a couple longs runs an hour before I would sleep and she also wanted me to have a light meal only before I fell asleep.
I didn’t mention about the voice I had heard in the washroom, when I was not sleeping. The more I spoke with Mrs. Harmony about the voice in my dream, she more confused she got. She couldn’t as well figure out the root of the problem and neither could anyone else.
I supposed I had to live with it.
“How was it? Did you share your thoughts with her?” Mom asked as I stepped into her vehicle after leaving Mrs. Harmony’s office.
“It was okay…” I straightened myself against the seat and pulled down on the seatbelt before fastening it and securing myself. There wasn’t much to tell Mom now, I was exhausted and tired from talking about the nightmares and repeating it over and over again.
If there was no hope, I needed to stop seeking it.